The Funniest Redneck Jokes on the Internet

Funny Redneck
 

 

 

 

 

This collection of funny redneck jokes includes riddles, long-form jokes, dirty jokes, and much more. There are a lot of corny, crappy jokes about rednecks out there, but we worked hard to really find the best redneck jokes on the internet. These aren’t the same outdated jokes you’ve heard a million times, as many of these are new redneck jokes that have been written in the last few years. Some of these are definitely NSFW, so don’t expect them to all be clean.

Redneck Riddles

Q: What does a redneck and yeast have in common?
A: They are both “in-bread”

Q: Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve?
A: All the DNA matches and there’s no dental records

Q: What is a redneck’s last words?
A: Hold my beer and watch this!

Q: What do a gang member and a redneck have in common?
A: They both know how to throw a good hoe down.

Q: Why did the Redneck cross the road?
A: Because he couldn’t get his dick out of the chicken.

Q: What do a redneck divorce and a burning meth lab have in common?
A: Someone’s losing a trailer.

Q: How do you know you’re at a redneck wedding?
A: Everybody is sitting on the same side of the church

Q: What’s the best part about a redneck family fight?
A: The makeup sex

Q: What do you call a relaxed redneck?
A: Chillbilly.

Q: How do you know if a redneck girl is a virgin?
A: See if she can run faster than her brothers.

Q: How do you know a redneck found a girlfriend?
There’s chew spit going down both sides of his truck

Q: What do you call a redneck’s mistress
A: A second cousin

Q: Why did the redneck Father walk his kid to school?
A: They were in the same grade!!

Q: What’s the downside of being a redneck kid at Christmas?
A: You only get presents from one set of grandparents.

Q: What’s the difference between rednecks and the friend zone?
A: When a girl tells you she loves you like a brother it means two very different things

Q: How do you know a redneck invented the toothbrush?
A: If it where anyone else it woulda been called a teethbrush

Q: How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?
A: Two. One to eat it, another to look out for traffic!

Q: What beer do elderly rednecks drink?
A: Silver Mullet

Q: What’s a rednecks favorite part of archaology?
A: Relative dating

Q: How do you know you are a real redneck?
A: You let your 12yr old daughter smoke in front of her kids.

Q: What does seeing a movie have in common with driving through Alabama?
A: Either way you’re going to see some trailers

Q: What do you call the sweat between two rednecks having sex?
A: Relative humidity!

Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: Kick his sister’s chin.

Q: How did the redneck find the sheep in the tall grass?
A: Satisfying.

Q: What would be a good dating site for rednecks?
A: MyHeritage.com

Q: What do you have when you get 32 rednecks in a line?
A: A full set of teeth

Q: How does a redneck mother know her daughter is on her period?
A: Her son’s dick tastes funny.

Q: What do you call it when you die and come back as a redneck?
A: Reintarnation

Redneck Jokes

The Ignorant Redneck Husband

Three rednecks are drinking beer at a bar. After a few drinks they start talking about their wives. The first redneck says, “My wife’s so damn stupid… the other day she bought a motorcycle helmet and we don’t even have a bike.” The second redneck says, “Oh yeah? Well my wife’s so stupid, she bought us a Blu-Ray player and we don’t even have a TV.  The third redneck says, “Oh yeah, well I can top both of those. MY wife’s so stupid, the other night I found condoms in her purse, and she don’t even have a penis!”

Redneck Heimlich Maneuver

Two rednecks are eating chicken at KFC, when all of a sudden they notice the woman next to them choking on a bone. They rush over to the table, where the first redneck pulls down his pants and the second starts licking his butt. Disgusted, the chocking woman begins to gag, and suddenly coughs up the chicken bone. The redneck pulls his pants up and excitedly says, “You’re right Bubba, that hind-lick maneuver works like a charm!”

Monkey Love

A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became impossible to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the gorilla was in heat, and her aggressive behavior could only be relieved with sexual interaction with a male counterpart. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
After considering nearly all possible options, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, a very strong physical man, had little sense but was always bragging about his honky tonk women. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
“First”, Bobby Lee said, “I ain’t gonna kiss her on the lips.” The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
“Second”, he said, “you can’t never tell no one about this, and I mean no one.” The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
“Third”, Bobby Lee said, “In the event that there are offspring, I want all the children raised Southern Baptist.” Once again it was agreed.
And last,” Bobby Lee said, “I’m gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00.”

credit to gravity_rides

Redneck, Japanese Business Man and Mexican

 A Texas Redneck, Japanese Business Man and Mexican are standing next to each other on a cruise ship, looking over the edge of the ship. After a period of silence, the Mexican takes out a nice bottle of tequila and throws it overboard, and says, “there is nice tequila like that all over Mexico, that bottle means nothing to me.” In an attempt to one-up the Mexican, the Japanese man pulls out a brand new Sony laptop and throws it overboard, saying “we have computers like that all over Japan, that laptop means nothing to me.” The redneck stood there for a second, and suddenly grabbed the Mexican man and threw him overboard. With the Japanese man staring in horror, the redneck says “yeah in Texas we’ve got those things everywhere, he didn’t mean anything to me.” 

Redneck Logic

A man from Arkansas is walking down the road when he sees a pile of dog shit. He looks at it and says, “That looks like dog shit.” He gets down on his knees and takes a whiff. “That smells like dog shit!” He then picks it up in his hands and says, “It feels like dog shit!” He then takes a bite out of it and exclaims, “It even tastes like dog shit! It has to be dog shit.”
He puts it down and walks off muttering to himself “Glad I didn’t step in it”

credit to yopeasants

Nymphomaniac

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat … As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, ” Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “” Business. I’m going to the Annual Nympho- maniacs of America Convention in Boston .”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
” Lecturer,” she responded. ” I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. ” And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained,” one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. ” I’m sorry,” she said, ” I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name…”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba.”

credit to Plumerian

The Mother F*cking Pancakes

Two young boys had their redneck cousin over to spend the night with them. While they were playing in their fort, one of the boys accidentally stepped in the redneck cousin’s finger. The redneck cousin said “OW MOTHERFUCKER GET OFF MY FINGER!”
The two boys had never heard that word before and asked about it. Redneck cousin explained that was the cool adult word that everyone was using. Delighted with their new word they merrily played through the night and went to bed late.
The next morning Dad is making breakfast and the first little boy drifts into the kitchen.
“What do you want for breakfast?” Dad asked.
“I want some motherfucking pancakes!”, The first boy exclaimed. Dad smacks the little boy and admonishes him for swearing and sends him back into his room.
The second boy goes into the kitchen and Dad again asks what is wanted for breakfast. “I want some motherfucking pancakes!”, the second boy said. He also gets whacked and sent back to his room, crying.
Redneck Cousin comes into the kitchen and Dad once again asks what is desired for breakfast.
Redneck Cousin says “I don’t know, but I sure as HELL don’t want any motherfucking pancakes!”

credit to Wildweed

Redneck Pregnancy

Deep in the back woods of Eastern Kentucky, a hillbilly’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, ‘Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!’
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. ‘Whoa there’, said the doctor, ‘Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there’s another one coming.’
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. ‘Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!’ Said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby ‘No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!’ cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, ‘You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ’em?’

credit to jesuslover69420

Redneck Gets Mugged

A redneck is visiting New York City for the first time. After walking into the wrong neighborhood, three men approach him and start trying to take the redneck’s wallet. The redneck fights back like a mad man, but after five minutes they finally pin him down and grab the wallet. They open it up and find ten dollars, prompting one of the muggers to yell, “YOU FOUGHT THAT HARD JUST TO SAVE TEN DOLLARS?!  
“No No,” replied the redneck. “I thought you were going for the $100 in my boot!”

The Goat

Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is.”
The second hunter says, “I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.”
The first hunter says, “There’s this old pickup transmission here, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see.”
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
As they stand there listening and looking over the edge, they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.
They turn around to see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
“Say there,” says the farmer, “you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?”
The first hunter says, “Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!”
The old farmer said, “That’s impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!”

credit to barcodescanner

Redneck and the Escalator

A redneck family was visiting a big city for the first time, and they found themselves in a shopping mall. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “Paw, What’s ‘at?” The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen nuthin’like that in my entire life, I ain’t got no idea’r what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a large old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Boy, go git yo Momma.”

credit to cleverless

The Fishing Warden

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Georgia as he started to leave a lake well known for it’s fish. The game warden asked the man, “May I see your fishing license please?” “Naw, sir,” replied the redneck. “I don’t need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish.” “Pet fish!?!?” “Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o’mine down to the lake and let ’em swim ’round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take ’em home.” “What a line of baloney….you’re under arrest.” The redneck said, “It’s the truth, Mr. Gov’ment man. I’ll show ya! We do this all the time!!” “WE do, now, do WE?” smirked the warden. “PROVE it!” The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, “Well?” “Well, WHUT?” said the redneck. The warden asked, “When are you going to call em back?” “Call who back?” “The FISH,” replied the warden! “Whut fish?” asked the redneck.

credit to IALWAYSPOOP

Redneck At The Beach

A redneck is walking on the beach. He comes across two beautiful college girls. The redneck says, “Hey, where y’all from?” The two girls reply, “Yale.” The redneck then yells, “HEY, WHERE Y’ALL FROM!?”
credit to notagolfer1013

How Many Chickens?

A redneck sees another carrying a bag, he stops him and says. Hey buddy what do you have in that bag? The other replies chickens, why? The first says, if i guess how many chickens you got in that bag there can i have one? The redneck holding the bag of chickens says, if you guess how many chickens are in this bag ill give you both of them!

credit to whitehack49

Free Sex

A gas station owner near Camden , Alabama was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.”
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close! The number was 7. Sorry; no sex this time.”
A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but NO free sex this time.”
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, “I think that game is RIGGED, and he doesn’t really give away FREE Sex.” Bubba replied, “No it ain’t, Billy Ray. It ain’t rigged. My WIFE won twice last week.”

credit to MORANSTAN

Redneck Cop

The Muslim man was driving through a rural town in Alabama, when he is pulled over by a Redneck cop. The cop gets out of his car and approaches the window of the Muslim man’s car.
“Do you know how fast you were going?” The cop says
The Muslim man responded angrily, “I had no fucking clue officer!”
The cop, surprised, looked the Muslim man back in the eyes and said “What did you just say ta me?”
The Muslim man apologized, saying “I’m sorry officer, it’s Ramadan and I’ve been fasting. It’s part of my religion and I’m very on edge.”
The cop wrote the man a ticket and looked down at him. He then responded by saying “One, yer religion don’t let you slide past all our laws, an’ two, it ain’t called fastin’, stupid. Its called speedin’.”

credit to downbeataura

Like Mother, Like Daughter

A redneck took his daughter to the Gynecologist.
They waited in the Doctor’s office when finally the Doctor came in and asked the father: “Well, what are we here for today”?
The father answered: “to get my daughter on birth control, Doc”.
“Well, is your daughter sexually active?”, asked the Doctor.
“No”, answered the redneck, “she just lays there like her mother”.

The Dog

Two rednecks were sitting on a porch. A dog walks up on the front lawn and takes a seat. It starts to lick himself. The one readneck looks to other and says, “man, I sure wish I could do that” The other redneck says, “Maybe if you pet him first.”